Portal Runner – PS2 (2001)
Early this Millennium, a company called 3DO sadly still existed, making its living from tirelessly infecting an unwanting gaming world with a tedious and seemingly limitless supply of Army Men games. Portal Runner was a sad, ill-advised and badly executed bastard prom-night-dumpster-child of this series, which followed the exploits of Vikki, daughter of Army Men regular, Sarge.
Aside from the odd cameo, the Army Men played no role in the proceedings (not such a bad thing), leaving it to Vikki to fumble her way through the remedially-coloured, platform-laden travesty that laid waiting.
In a world full of clumsy 3D platform games, Portal Runner stood out as being by far the most ineffective. Negotiating undersized platforms was a common and lengthy procedure, unaided by Vikki’s inability to turn properly on the move: she would require an alarmingly large turning arc when changing direction (the sort that riding a bike demands). So with an on-the-move turning arc that was wider than the circumference of most platforms, players had to discipline themselves to stop and rotate before moving forwards – a stunted gameplay process that was more reminiscent of ’80s UK kids’ TV show Knightmare than a fast-paced platformer.
Of course, the desire to turn while moving couldn’t be overcome, so after falling from the second-to-last platform of 30 for the tenth time and leaving bite-marks of frustration in the game’s case, it was a one-way trip to pre-owned shelving shame for Portal Runner.
HIGHEST SCORE FOUND
7.5/10 – GameZone.com
“You get to drop a pig on a castle. Who could ask for anything more?”
LOWEST SCORE FOUND
2/10 – GameStyle.net
“The biggest problem remains in the realm of playability and at times I felt the urge to hurl the controller at the screen, not due to difficulty but due to the fact that I had died through no fault of my own…”
Annoyingly, the internet has mixed feelings about this tragedy of a videogame, even though it’s obvious after just five minutes of play that it’s a complete waste of time. Anything more than a 3/10 is generous.
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GoldenEye: Rogue Agent – Xbox, PS2, GC (2004)
From the second it was conceived, Rogue Agent was never anything more than a bad idea. Those that still ardently stand by the original GoldenEye (despite the fact that trying to play it today is a chore) would never accept it; those that could care less about Bond would surely have better alternatives. But who knew it could turn out quite as ropey as it did?
In one of the most literal interpretations in the history of gaming, your ‘rogue agent’ used his ‘golden eye’ to activate all kinds of stupid powers such as shields and weapon hacking, each more contrived and deeply unnecessary than the last. Which alone would give us ample hate fuel, before we even get to the fact that the design of the game was somehow far worse than the N64 title on whose coat tails the game so shamelessly attempted to ride.
Not to say that the original was bad, not by any means – in its day, it was indeed a force with which to be reckoned, even if the years may not have been so kind to it. But for this illegitimate ‘sequel’ to come off worse than the original in almost every aspect (including visuals – at least some of the soldiers in the N64 game had funny faces) is just downright shocking. Rogue Agent besmirches the good name of what is justifiably seen as a classic and even without the license tacked on would have been a pitiful FPS. With the name, though, it’s nothing more than an insult in disc form. Shame on you, EA.
HIGHEST SCORE FOUND
8.5/10 – Worthplaying.com
“Bite the bullet and pick this one up. You may be surprised at what you get.”
LOWEST SCORE FOUND
2/10 – Eurogamer.net
“Any game which even its creators clearly didn't love certainly doesn't deserve 35 quid of anyone's money.”
‘Surprised’? Bloody mortified is more like it. From the inappropriate use of the name to the ham-fisted execution, Rogue Agent never deserved to score more than a three from anyone.
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Marvel Nemesis: Rise Of The Imperfects – Xbox, PS2, GC (2005)
Oh dear. With a title like Rise Of The Imperfects, Marvel Nemesis was always going to be a little too easy to mock if it turned out to be rubbish. Which it did. And how. But in the end, simply referring to this as ‘imperfect’ couldn’t get across just how jarringly awful this laughable attempt at arena combat ended up.
So who would win in a fight between Spider-Man and Iron Man? Well, Iron Man obviously, He’s made of metal, has lasers and can fly. With not even the slightest attempt at balancing (apparently an intentional move, bizarrely), Nemesis is basically The Iron Man Show – once you unlock him, there’s no point in using anyone else. Especially not the cast of forgettable new faces who, despite having been designed by some familiar names from comic land, aggravate with their very inclusion over more established and popular heroes and villains.
If you can even bring yourself to play it for more than a matter of seconds, that is. One-on-one battles are beyond broken, with a dangerously erratic camera and clumsy controls just being the start of the game’s problems. Whoever gets knocked down first can do nothing as their opponent bombards them with every destructible item in the level, and then faces the unenviable task of overcoming the odds to steal a win. Move along please, there’s no fun to be had here.
Anyone making a game like this must surely look at Power Stone at some point in the production process to see how it should be done. Look at it, EA may have done but take any notice of any of its merits it certainly did not. But that doesn’t matter. This has superheroes in it. And superheroes are pretty sweet. Nope, doesn’t cut it for us either. Get this shit away from us at once before we catch something.
HIGHEST SCORE FOUND
8.2/10 – TeamXbox.com
“While not the perfect action/fighter out on the market, Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects does a lot of things right.”
LOWEST SCORE FOUND
3/10 – Eurogamer.net
“What's the point of a superhero game if you don't get to feel like you're a superhero?”
Nemesis picked up a lot of middling reviews from people either suckered in by the cool superheroes or those that had clearly never played Power Stone. Kudos to Eurogamer for being the voice of reason once more on this one, though.
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America’s Ten Most Wanted – PS2 (2004)
A game seemingly dreamed into existence by one George W. Bush, America’s Ten Most Wanted (or Fugitive Hunter: War On Terror as it was known stateside) is what you get when you combine incapable development staff with a horrible concept born of blind patriotism and questionable politics. And yes, it’s every bit as awesome as it sounds.
In the most shameless way imaginable, this is America kicking the asses of anyone who doesn’t think America kicks ass. You’ll start out taking on ‘small fry’ gang bosses and wanted criminals before working your way up to the big league and taking on Bin Laden himself in his secret cave networks where he keeps his WMDs. That’s right. He’s got ’em.
Attitude problem aside, this is among the most banal and simplistic shooters you hopefully never played, not to mention the fact that it makes most PS1 games look stunning by comparison. These colours don’t run, sure, but that’s only because they’re pretty much all brown anyway. But the best part comes when you finally track down your target and take them on mano a mano in a horrifyingly clumsy and ill-advised beat-’em-up section. The cringeworthy one-liners your double-hard bastard of a soldier blurts out continuously here almost make the game brilliant for all the wrong reasons. Almost, but not quite.
And that’s pretty much it. It’s like a pseudo-political poor man’s version of Duke Nukem 3-D that occasionally slips into Fight Club levels of fighting incompetence. But yes, you get to kick Osama Bin Laden’s ass albeit in the most ham-fisted, cock-sure manner imaginable. Misguided patriots of the land of the free beware lest ye be stung by one of the most shockingly unplayable games we’ve ever come across.
HIGHEST SCORE FOUND
8/10 – WorthPlaying.com
“Its excesses aside, Fugitive Hunter's a good cheap shooter, made for action fans.”
LOWEST SCORE FOUND
1/10 – NTSC-UK.com
“Consider this a bottom-line on the gaming barometer – a reference point where gaming simply does not get any worse.”
While it was pretty tough to find anyone with anything positive to say about this mess, Worthplaying.com came good for us once more with another silly score for a game that so clearly deserves a right shoeing. Sort it out, guys.
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Charlie’s Angels – GC (2003)
“Three hot chicks that kick butt and crack wise? Why that’s perfect material for a video game!” The guys at Neko Entertainment must have been beside themselves when they, a developer of no real consequence, landed what is a pretty huge license. So what do they do with it? Why, they screw it up in pretty much every way imaginable of course.
Charlie’s Angels has attained cult status due to its chronic ineptitude and is widely regarded as one of the worst video games of all time. And with good reason too. We’ve never seen anything quite this unfinished in all our days and while many games suffer from the odd glitch or bug here and there, Charlie’s Angels appears to be constructed of them almost exclusively.
Spamming what few attacks there are available over the course of a massive six (count them) levels is all well and good but Neko’s real crowning glory has been the company’s ability to make three beautiful ladies look thoroughly hideous. Although Liu’s face isn’t too messed up here, her body – like the other girls’ – is horribly misproportioned. Meanwhile, the other two fare far worse with Diaz seeming to have aged twenty or so years and Barrymore looking more like a deformed child than the prettyful tomboy she is.
In case you’re wondering what happened to Neko Entertainment after their triumph with this, they’ve gone on to bring you such gems as Crazy Frog Racer, Crazy Frog Racer 2 and the amazingly titled Mouse Trophy. Would anyone care if Neko closed its doors tomorrow? Since most of the staff appear to be in totally the wrong line of work anyway, we very much doubt it.
HIGHEST SCORE FOUND
5/10 – ComputerandVideoGames.com
“We have been ruined by Enter The Matrix. Now we expect all film tie-ins to be just as dynamic and exciting.”
LOWEST SCORE FOUND
0.5/10 – GameCritics.com
“The best thing I can say about it is that it never crashed.”
Renowned as one of the worst games ever (it’s at the very bottom of the list on GameRankings.com), it should come as little surprise that pretty much everyone gave Charlie’s Angels a proper taste. Pat yourselves on the back, the lot of you.
